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April

Author:April
人はいつか旅立つ
幼かった昨日の私に 
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I am looking for somewhere only I survive

今天de心情

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四月的音樂盒子

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今天约好和Jenny一起去签一个忘记签的名
我顺便拐进了Manchester Museum去膜拜一下那个号称全世界最大的帝王蟹
我对那些giant海生生物向来带有一种畏惧并且崇敬感
所以绝对是要去膜拜一番的
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闹,就是上面那个。
对了,我有没有跟大家讲过,我也是美剧Surface的大饭啊,虽然好像出了一季就被砍了。。

从北部回来我皮肤就没白回来过
而且我已经有两个礼拜没有用任何爽肤水,天啊!!
跟VIVI一拍即合,两人一起买DHC,刚好邮费还免了
按照李佳的话讲,我就是实惠型的女人啊。。。。
包装非常Q,而且竟然我这个set买起来要比国内便宜100多RMB,很吃惊耶。
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7月份就这样结束了
期待8月份。
スポンサーサイト
爱之欲其生,恶之欲其死。既欲其生,又欲其死,是惑也。

--论语 . 颜渊

这句话让我想到了我刚结束不算太久的一段感情。
一段感情也许成就了许多美好的回忆,但是想说一段感情的结束更多的成就了一种自我的推恕。
想必每个女人都在一段感情中,更加提炼了自己,更多的看清自己的弊端,从而去修己。
我在之前的一段感情处理中,很多时候是迷惑的。
吵架的时候,就恨不得用最坏的字眼去伤害别人,所有女性最丑陋的一面一一被我施展。
自己觉得舒坦了,又想要感情回来的时候,又竭尽努力,想尽各种浪漫的,感人的,effort-making的方法把自己投入进去。
这样是不对的。
这样不就是既欲其生,又欲其死,是惑也么。
之前的恋人告诉我他什么都不会为之妥协,除了爱情。
当时看懂了,却没想通。
也许今天看来,在当时的感情中,我缺少了自己内心判断的标准,那就是爱。我缺少一种自己对爱的认知以及理解,所以反復不定,好起来像尼采,坏起来像撒旦。
说开去,这和做人也是有关联的。
诚信需要自己内心对某种价值的坚持,所谓不孤,必有邻。

一段感情的结束改变了我。感情就像一面镜子,在两个人的朝夕相处中,可以从对方的眼中看出很多自己不足的缺失的一面。所以我们怎么不可以说,一段感情的结束其实从另一个角度讲是好处呢?
每个人不是天生值得被爱的。只有我们自己懂得了宽容的去爱,才值得被人无私的去宠爱。
自爱者人爱之。
刚刚一看手机,竟然有个国内的未接电话,好神奇,查了一下手机号码段,竟然是台州的。
不会是佳佳打电话给我吧~~~~
草头要我多汇报汇报近期生活情况,那么我最近还是怡情养性,去芜存菁中。
8月1号见完Paul后,要开始每天出门看房子去了,要找个好房子真是不容易啊。
我也很想住什么Picadilly point的闹,但是我是麻袋,这个付半年的话,我直接坐9镑的火车去跳伦敦的泰晤士河好了。有考虑住Salford去。。。。
找房子这种事情麻烦起来很麻烦,到时如果碰到JP室友,更是有苦说不出,所以还是需要提上日程的。
其他的话么,也没什么好讲的哩。
上次我博客上贴出来要寻找的那双NINE WEST的蝴蝶结平底鞋我买到了,不过是色version,刚好,上班规定要穿色的。 果真还是穿平底鞋的日子舒服,踩的踏实,活得安心。
等一下要去做读书笔记了,期待做满整整一本的时候!!!
想爸爸妈妈了,前几天打电话给爸爸,爸爸遭遇平生第一次网购,惶恐万分,一直担心这个担心那个的,哈哈。这几个月来,他们二老的生活十分乐活,每天都去江边快走,听说会坚持近2个小时,真的很佩服。想当初我跟我老爸去采荷中学晚运动,老爸是操场上跑的最多的。
我最近呢,也打算吃得健康一下。现在每天补充很多很多的乳酸菌和OMEGA-3,晚上再配合Taebo Cardio,要把多余的肥肉减掉减掉。
8月初的时候,想叫上几个好姐妹,一起包饺子什么的,要包饺子的留言啊~免OPAL HALL进场费,我免费供应Bacardi Breezer!!!
我是一个很怕很怕热的人
因为天气一热,人就容易急躁,脚容易肿胀,脸容易水肿
由于之前一段时间暴饮暴食,旅游在外不注意控制,愈加横向发展了。
不是我夸张,脸已经跟烂番薯没两样了
再加上皮肤有被晒,一张又圆又红又有粗糙的脸。。。。。。。。。
强烈推荐S昨天无意遗留下的Muller牌low fat pre and probiotic strawberry yogurt drink
就是小瓶装的,一盒六瓶
对宿_bian极其有效,每一小瓶才67卡。
夏天来了夏天来了,大家一起排毒吧!
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好吧好吧,背景音乐跟我不是很搭
但是想说这首歌真的很赞,搭配看SONY的那个广告更好看。

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从高中就开始研究精油的我,一直觉得自己始终还是和花花草草有一些很深的羁绊的。所以,养花吧!欣赏花瓣的精简于形和极致巧妙,吸纳花瓣令人陶醉的独特气息,然后所有的负面情绪都会融化在花朵的美丽中,你的心灵深处也就绽放出一朵清新美丽的花朵。
那一朵朵开放在心中的花,一定是我见过的最动人的美妙。

自从又一次听到了久违了的To love you more,我的耳朵又一次被小提琴征服了,那些个旋律,那些个音符,真的可以让人感动让人欣慰。

莫春者,春服既成,冠者五六人,童子六七人,浴乎沂,风乎舞雩,咏而归。古时曾点简简单单说的理想,在今天被多少人的心灵忽略了呢?也许幸福不是那么的高高在上,她就在我们的身边。所以,带着心去生活吧,那样天天都会是一段旅程!
今天回家的时候,发觉玫瑰花过了两个多礼拜还是怒放!!
而且从橙色变成了粉色,是在迎接我吗?
之前忘记把爱丁堡放进去了,想说爱丁堡很漂亮,为什么我觉得跟杭州的感觉好像好像?
大概都是一片片的绿色吧。 DSC02971.jpg

本来打算明天再去买新的花的,现在变得舍不得扔了,因为还是生命呀!
高地之旅也很amazing,全是草啊,天空啊,牛啊,羊啊,好可爱好可爱。
真是让人感动的风景。
在旅途中,认识了很多可爱的人。
从上海来的Tracy,竟然和某刚长得很像,连名字都一样。Tracy人很好,很低调,并且很感谢她回国会给我寄书,并介绍我去看林达的书。
还有马来西亚的AMY,美国的Nancy,英国的Carol,太多啦太多啦。。
PS:我没看见尼斯湖水怪,虽然我一直坚信它是在湖里的,同样我也是天池水怪支持论者。

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最后以一只很骚包的猫结尾!
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恩。首先请继续原谅我的照相水平
然后因为先被截图压缩,再被FC2上传压缩,所以照片质量很烂。
请大家欣赏美丽的圣安吧!!!!
先给大家看欢欢
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圣安圣安~
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从苏格兰回来,心情真的好了很多,玩得很开心。
在这七天中,很谢谢李佳和欢欢的热情款待,没有她们,我的行程也许不会那么惬意。
下午在回曼城的火车上,阳光很艳丽得肆意打在我脸上,但是我很开心,心中也已经什么波澜啦。
不过,苏格兰太阳太艳丽了,我完全没做防晒工作,所以晒了。
拍了很多照片,看到漂亮的地方就咔嚓咔嚓,哈哈,我还全素颜,感觉很爽!

先做一个美食特辑。
到圣安的第一天,欢欢带我去她打工的泰式餐厅,很有特色的一家泰式日式口味餐厅,里面的STAFF都很nice,楼下的Andy第二天还请我和欢欢喝了三杯免费的cocktail!

类似于北京烤鸭,酱汁很好吃。
泰餐1

牛肉
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泰式咖喱做的鱼,圣安的鱼都很新鲜美味。
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味啦~
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PRAWN乌冬面
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这家小小的咖啡馆,里面打工的那个英国男生是学什么航天技术的,但是他现在就是完全待在圣安享受生活,平时打打咖啡店的工。欢欢说这个咖啡不贵,她经常去那边喝。我们那天两个人在那边也坐了很久,看着窗外的小镇和远处的海天相接,惬意的很。
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这是在LOCH NESS小镇上的一家餐馆吃的晚饭。读IFR的都知道,我是soup mania,北上之行我喝了好多好多的汤。Main course是roasted chicken和bacon和chips,天啊,chips, chips, chips....
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仍旧切回圣安,跟欢欢去了一家当地很popular的叫north point的餐厅吃早餐。 那个PANCAKE超级超级好吃,SOUP也很赞!
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离开圣安的早上,和欢欢在一家新开的deliver速度很慢的bar吃的brunch。那个CHICKEN SALAD不值那个价格的说,欢欢反正每天必喝咖啡,我嘛每天给点SOUP就灿烂。
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在高地的一个小镇上吃的中饭。Sandwich的filling是rose sauce prawn,意外的美味。
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当然啦,回到曼城又变成一头壮猪了。因为吃了不少的chips。。。。下次不能那样乱吃chips了




最近几天来去匆匆,没有什么时间好好更新BLOG.
现在是在爱丁堡李佳这里,明天一早要踏上去苏格兰高地的行程,那三天是真的没有电脑了。
因为没有照片说明,所以不能很好的描述我的北上之旅,但是真的想说这次旅行真的exceed my expectations太多太多。
我想我把我的心留在了Edinburgh城墙下的绿荫道上,留在了JK罗琳曾经写出哈里波特的星巴克里,留在了从Edinburgh去St.Andrews的沿途风景中,留在了圣安古老又精致的古老建筑中,留在了欢欢布置得很温馨的寝室里,留在了欢欢打工的泰国餐馆里,留在了圣安海天相接的湛蓝天空的云朵冥想中,留在了通往大海心脏的长条堤坝上,留在了一望无垠的绿色草地上,留在了周杰伦爱在西元前描绘的城墙,古堡,教堂中,留在了圣安无所不在的海鸥惬意叫唤声中,留在了local coffee shop的正统英式早餐中,留在了学着航天技术但是依旧享受圣安安逸生活的英国大学生所打工的TASTE CAFE中,留在了名字叫ANDY的调酒师精心调制的COSMOPOLITAN,EMERALD HEAVEN的COCKTAIL中,留在了WEST PORT的一桌各国一家畅谈mmmbop,Scotland,Jew,mao_ze dong的欢乐气氛中,留在了欢欢搀着我而我却大声在安静街道上用台湾腔讲“正闹”的回声中,留在了那些依旧清晰却又遥不可及的梦境中,留在了星期天早上很舒坦的坐在新开的咖啡店的落地窗外的人群中,留在了我独自一人坐在堤坝上看着那片蓝色海洋的无限回忆中。。。。。。
相信在以后无数无数的回想中,会很想念圣安,想回到那个高高堤坝上再吹着海风,看着海,忘却所有的烦恼。。。。
if u want to ask me about the impressssion of St. Andrews
I would say dats awesome.
If u need some amazing landscape to cure ur heart, welcome to scotland.
dats the place where ur heart belongs to.
明天要去visit高一的同桌,快六年没见面了。
后天要去visit大学同学,上一次见面是一年前我的生日在我实习的公司。
今天又和初中的一个同学联系上了,有10年没联系了。
原来啊,我们就是在忙忙碌碌中慢慢的长大,慢慢的变得淡忘。
也许过了很多年,回头看,现在发生的也不是什么要死要活的事情吧。
只是钉子能拔掉,伤口却永远在那里了呢。
虽然在墙上贴了people always leave的画,但还是在旁边又加贴了一副作品。
用碎花瓣拼了一个LOVE,我想也许人们会走进会走出,但是我们心中永远还是要燃起着一份爱的信念吧。
爱自己,爱家人,爱朋友,爱生活。
正所谓修己以敬,修己以安人。。。
好了,再讲下去核弹真的会说我得道了。
我亲爱的朋友们,请珍惜着眼前的一切,一个瞬间,一个此刻,因为那就是永远。
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看过ONE TREE HILL的人还记得PEYTON吗?
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一个晚上,玫瑰怒放了。原谅我的傻瓜索尼机,我知道这种色调很。。。。
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看着之前自己写的破日记,我很无语。。。
原来真的有长大这么一说法
现在杀了我也写不出当初那种日记。
MA,不过那也是一种印证
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我在一年半前的一个晚上曾经做了个梦,今天我不小心回顾斯贝斯的时候,发现的,好好笑哦。
拿来跟大家分享,不过如果你觉得不好笑的话我也没办法啦~

講一下今天早上的夢吧
難得我能記得那麽住
在夢裏呢
我先去了馬猴家裏做客,她傢好想開PARTY來著
但是進去之後,竟然被要求要先到旁邊的按摩浴缸里泡一下
哇,泡得真的很舒服啊
後面有個帥哥MS也過來跟我一起泡了(沒有任何YY成分。大家都fully dressed的)
再後來,夢境晃蕩了一下
變成我跟賀丹去DISNEYLAND了
汗,跟我現實中去的DISNEY根本就不一樣
夢裏面的DISNEY也很漂亮,很夢幻
但是是個大超市來著
我鬱悶
然後在VEGETABLE專區看到了一種叫做“千与千尋”的植物
這個叫“千与千尋”的植物長得就是一個大龍蝦的模樣,只不過它是色的
而且還有鬚鬚
夢境再次晃蕩。。。
我去找了科學家
科學家向我解釋説“大部分女性在夢境中對于千与千尋這種意象的實體描繪就是龍蝦”
還有科學統計證明呢
汗,敢情我在夢裏就知道自己在做夢了阿~
首先谢谢珍妮同学友情提供的玛莎花瓶
我在玛莎买了橙色的玫瑰,橙色会给人一种cheer up的感觉
至少不会太depressed
请花花草草给我力量吧!
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国内时间的话已经是7.14号了,是我亲爱的++的生日。
++要去上海了,我给++的祝福一切尽在不言中。
++是我重要的朋友,++有正直的品格,有力争上游的进取心,也有一颗伟大的女性心灵。
大学期间,++教给了我很多东西,有生活上的常识,也有人生上的道理。
在我喝醉如烂泥并且呕吐不停的时候,是++端着脸盆拿着毛巾照顾我(当然牟牟和老丹子也一起帮忙的)
在我看完鬼片睡不着而且快要哭出来的时候,是++给我安慰。
跟我一起去通宵教室自習VFP,雖然還是被保安趕出來了。。
很想能快一些见到++,见到大学同学们。
今天的我,更加懂得感恩以及感激,因为对身边事物的珍惜会让我的生活激起欢腾之悦。
又读了遍Gone with the wind,当然不是全篇啦。我只能說我很理解Scarlett,T_T
Scarlett很堅強;,她有一个Tara可以支撐她好的信念。
《傷逝》中的子君就不一樣了,子君听了涓生那翻話語后,就絕望的死掉了。
当然了,她們是不可以放在一起比的。
Rhett从一開始要的就是一个象baby一般的Scarlett,可是到她到last minute才意識到,太晚了。
花已凋謝月已缺。。。
She sat down, the harsh gas light falling on her white bewildered face. She looked into the eyes she knew so well―and knew so little―listened to his quiet voice saying words which at first meant nothing. This was the first time he had ever talked to her in this manner, as one human being to another, talked as other people talked, without flippancy, mockery or riddles.
“Did it ever occur to you that I loved you as much as a man can love a woman? Loved you for years before I fi¬nally got you? During the war I’d go away and try to for¬get you, but I couldn’t and I always had to come back. After the war I risked arrest, just to come back and find you. I cared so much I believe I would have killed Frank Kennedy if he hadn’t died when he did. I loved you but I couldn’t let you know it. You’re so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip.”
Out of it all only the fact that he loved her meant any¬thing. At the faint echo of passion in his voice, pleasure and excitement crept back into her. She sat, hardly breathing, listening, waiting.
“I knew you didn’t love me when I married you. I knew about Ashley, you see. But, fool that I was, I thought I could make you care. Laugh, if you like, but I wanted to take care of you, to pet you, to give you everything you wanted. I wanted to marry you and protect you and give you a free rein in anything that would make you happy―just as I did Bonnie. You’d had such a struggle, Scarlett No one knew better than I what you’d gone through and I wanted you to stop fighting and let me fight for you. I wanted you to play, like a child―for you were a child, a brave, frightened, bullheaded child. I think you are still a child. No one but a child could be so headstrong and so insensitive.
His voice was calm and tired but there was something in the quality of it that raised a ghost of memory in Scar¬lett. She had heard a voice like this once before and at some other crisis of her life. Where had it been? The voice of a man facing himself and his world without feeling, without flinching, without hope.
Why―why―it had been Ashley in the wintry, wind¬swept orchard at Tara, talking of life and shadow shows with a tired calmness that had more finality in its timbre than any desperate bitterness could have revealed. Even as Ashley’s voice then had turned her cold with dread of things she could not understand, so now Rhett’s voice made her heart sink. His voice, his manner, more than the content of his words, disturbed her, made her realize that her pleasurable excitement of a few moments ago had been untimely. Something was wrong, badly wrong. What it was she did not know but she listened desperately, her eyes on his brown face, hoping to hear words that would dissipate her fears.
“It was so obvious that we were meant for each other. So obvious that I was the only man of your acquaintance who could love you after knowing you as you really are―hard and greedy and unscrupulous, like me. I loved you and I took the chance. I thought Ashley would fade out of your mind. But,” he shrugged, “I tried everything I knew and nothing worked. And I loved you so, Scarlett. If you had only let me, I could have loved you as gently and as tenderly as ever a man loved a woman. But I couldn’t let you know, for I knew you’d think me weak and try to use my love against me. And always―always there was Ashley. It drove me crazy. I couldn’t sit across the table from you every night, knowing you wished Ashley was sit¬ting there in my place. And I couldn’t hold you in my arms at night and know that―well, it doesn’t matter now. I wonder, now, why it hurt. That’s what drove me to Belle. There is a certain swinish comfort in being with a woman who loves you utterly and respects you for being a fine gentleman―even if she is an illiterate whore. It soothed my vanity. You’ve never been very soothing, my dear.”
“Oh, Rhett ...” she began, miserable at the very mention of Belle’s name, but he waved her to silence and went on.
“And then, that night when I carried you upstairs―I thought―I hoped―I hoped so much I was afraid to face you the next morning, for fear I’d been mistaken and you didn’t love me. I was so afraid you’d laugh at me I went off and got drunk. And when I came back, I was shaking in my boots and if you had come even halfway to meet me, had given me some sign, I think I’d have kissed your feet. But you didn’t.
“Oh, but Rhett, I did want you then but you were so nasty! I did want you! I think―yes, that must have been when I first knew I cared about you. Ashley―I never was happy about Ashley after that, but you were so nasty that I―”
“Oh, well,” he said. “It seems we’ve been at cross pur¬poses, doesn’t it? But it doesn’t matter now. I’m only tell¬ing you, so you won’t ever wonder about it all. When you were sick and it was all my fault, I stood outside your door, hoping you’d call for me, but you didn’t, and then I knew what a fool I’d been and that it was all over.”
He stopped and looked through her and beyond her, even as Ashley had often done, seeing something she could not see. And she could only stare speechless at his brood¬ing face.
“But then, there was Bonnie and I saw that everything wasn’t over, after all. I liked to think that Bonnie was you, a little girl again, before the war and poverty had done things to you. She was so like you, so willful, so brave and gay and full of high spirits, and I could pet her and spoil her―just as I wanted to pet you. But she wasn’t like you―she loved me. It was a blessing that I could take the love you didn’t want and give it to her ... When she went, she took everything.”
Suddenly she was sorry for him, sorry with a com¬pleteness that wiped out her own grief and her fear of what his words might mean. It was the first time in her life she had been sorry for anyone without feeling con¬temptuous as well, because it was the first time she had ever approached understanding any other human being. And she could understand his shrewd caginess, so like her own, his obstinate pride that kept him from admitting his love for fear of a rebuff.
“Ah, darling,” she said coming forward, hoping he would put out his arms and draw her to his knees. “Darling, I’m so sorry but I’ll make it all up to you! We can be so happy, now that we know the truth and―Rhett―look at me, Rhett! There―there can be other babies―not like Bonnie but―”
“Thank you, no,” said Rhett, as if he were refusing a piece of bread. “I’ll not risk my heart a third time.”
“Rhett, don’t say such things! Oh, what can I say to make you understand? I’ve told you how sorry I am―”
My darling, you’re such a child. You think that by saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ all the errors and hurts of years past can be remedied, obliterated from the mind, all the poison drawn from old wounds. ... Take my handkerchief, Scarlett. Never, at any crisis of your life, have I known you to have a handkerchief.”
She took the handkerchief, blew her nose and sat down. It was obvious that he was not going to take her in his arms. It was beginning to be obvious that all his talk about loving her meant nothing. It was a tale of a time long past and he was looking at it as though it had never happened to him. And that was frightening. He looked at her in an almost kindly way, speculation in his eyes.
“How old are you, my dear? You never would tell me.”
“Twenty-eight,” she answered dully, muffled in the handkerchief.
“That’s not a vast age. It’s a young age to have gained the whole world and lost your own soul, isn’t it? Don’t look frightened. I’m not referring to hell fire to come for your affair with Ashley. I’m merely speaking metaphori¬cally. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve wanted two things. Ashley and to be rich enough to tell the world to go to hell. Well, you are rich enough and you’ve spoken sharply to the world and you’ve got Ashley, if you want him. But all that doesn’t seem to be enough now.”
She was frightened but not at the thought of hell fire. She was thinking: “But Rhett is my soul and I’m losing him. And if I lose him, nothing else matters! No, not friends or money or―or anything. If only I had him I wouldn’t even mind being poor again. No, I wouldn’t mind being cold again or even hungry. But he can’t mean― Oh, he can’t!”
She wiped her eyes and said desperately:
“Rhett, if you once loved me so much, there must be something left for me.”
Out of it all I find only two things that remain and they are the two things you hate the most―pity and an odd feeling of kindness.
Pity! Kindness! “Oh, my God,” she thought despairingly. Anything hut pity and kindness. Whenever she felt these two emotions for anyone, they went hand in hand with contempt Was he contemptuous of her too? Anything would be preferable to that. Even the cynical coolness of the war days, the drunken madness that drove him the night he carried her up the stairs, his hard fingers bruising her body, or the barbed drawling words that she now real¬ized had covered a bitter love. Anything except this imper¬sonal kindness that was written so plainly in his face.
“Then―then you mean I’ve ruined it all―that you don’t love me any more?”
“That’s right.”
“But,” she said stubbornly, like a child who still feels that to state a desire is to gain that desire, “but I love you!”
“That’s your misfortune.”

She looked up quickly to see if there was a jeer behind those words but there was none. He was simply stating a fact. But it was a fact she still would not believe―could not believe. She looked at him with slanting eyes that burned with a desperate obstinacy and the sudden hard line of jaw that sprang out through her soft cheek was Gerald’s jaw.
“Don’t be a fool, Rhett! I can make―”
He flung up a hand in mock horror and his black brows went up in the old sardonic crescents.
“Don’t look so determined, Scarlett! You frighten me. I see you are contemplating the transfer of your tempestu¬ous affections from Ashley to me and I fear for my liberty and my peace of mind. No, Scarlett, I will not be pursued as the luckless Ashley was pursued. Besides, I am going away.”
Her jaw trembled before she clenched her teeth to steady it. Go away? No, anything but that! How could life go on without him? Everyone had gone from her, every¬one who mattered except Rhett. He couldn’t go. But how could she stop him? She was powerless against his cool mind, his disinterested words.
“I am going away. I intended to tell you when you came home from Marietta.”
“You are deserting me?”
“Don’t be the neglected, dramatic wife, Scarlett. The role isn’t becoming. I take it, then, you do not want a di¬vorce or even a separation? Well, then, I’ll come back of¬ten enough to keep gossip down.”
“Damn gossip!” she said fiercely. “It’s you I want. Take me with you!”
“No,” he said, and there was finality in his voice. For a moment she was on the verge of an outburst of childish wild tears. She could have thrown herself on the floor, cursed and screamed and drummed her heels. But some remnant of pride, of common sense stiffened her. She thought, if I did, he’d only laugh, or just look at me. I mustn’t bawl; I mustn’t beg. I mustn’t do anything to risk his contempt. He must respect me even―even if he doesn’t love me.
She lifted her chin and managed to ask quietly:
“Where will you go?”
There was a faint gleam of admiration in his eyes as he answered.
“Perhaps to England―or to Paris. Perhaps to Charles¬ton to try to make peace with my people.”
“But you hate them! I’ve heard you laugh at them so often and―”
He shrugged.
“I still laugh―but I’ve reached the end of roaming, Scarlett I’m forty-five―the age when a man begins to value some of the things he’s thrown away so lightly in youth, the clannishness of families, honor and security, roots that go deep― Oh, not I’m not recanting, I’m not regretting anything I’ve ever done. I’ve had a hell of a good time―such a hell of a good time that it’s begun to pall and now I want something different. No, I never in¬tend to change more than my spots. But I want the outer semblance of the things I used to know, the utter boredom of respectability―other people’s respectability, my pet, not my own―the calm dignity life can have when it’s lived by gentle folks, the genial grace of days that are gone. When I lived those days I didn’t realize the slow charm of them―”
Again Scarlett was back in the windy orchard of Tara and there was the same look in Rhett’s eyes that had been in Ashley’s eyes that day. Ashley’s words were as clear in her ears as though he and not Rhett were speaking. Frag¬ments of words came back to her and she quoted parrot-like: “A glamour to it―a perfection, a symmetry like Gre¬cian art.”
Rhett said sharply: “Why did you say that? That’s what I meant.”
“It was something that―that Ashley said once, about the old days.”
He shrugged and the light went out of his eyes.
“Always Ashley,” he said and was silent for a moment.
“Scarlett, when you are forty-five, perhaps you will know what I’m talking about and then perhaps you, too, will be tired of imitation gentry and shoddy manners and cheap emotions. But I doubt it. I think you’ll always be more attracted by glister than by gold. Anyway, I can’t wait that long to see. And I have no desire to wait. It just doesn’t interest me. I’m going to hunt in old towns and old countries where some of the old times must still linger. I’m that sentimental. Atlanta’s too raw for me, too new.”
“Stop,” she said suddenly. She had hardly heard any¬thing he had said. Certainly her mind had not taken it in. But she knew she could no longer endure with any forti¬tude the sound of his voice when there was no love in it
He paused and looked at her quizzically.
“Well, you get my meaning, don’t you?” he questioned, rising to his feet.
She threw out her hands to him, palms up, in the age-old gesture of appeal and her heart, again, was in her face.
“No,” she cried. “All I know is that you do not love me and you are going away! Oh, my darling, if you go, what shall I do?”
For a moment he hesitated as if debating whether a kind lie were kinder in the long run than the truth. Then he shrugged.
Scarlett, I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is bro¬ken―and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. Per¬haps, if I were younger―” he sighed. “But I’m too old to believe in such sentimentalities as clean slates and starting all over. I’m too old to shoulder the burden of constant lies that go with living in polite disillusionment. I couldn’t live with you and lie to you and I certainly couldn’t lie to myself. I can’t even lie to you now. I wish I could care what you do or where you go, but I can’t.”
He drew a short breath and said lightly but softly:
“My dear, I don’t give a damn.”


She silently watched him go up the stairs, feeling that she would strangle at the pain in her throat. With the sound of his feet dying away in the upper hall was dying the last thing in the world that mattered. She knew now that there was no appeal of emotion or reason which would turn that cool brain from its verdict. She knew now that he had meant every word he said, lightly though some of them had been spoken. She knew because she sensed in him something strong, unyielding, implacable―all the qualities she had looked for in Ashley and never found.
She had never understood either of the men she had loved and so she had lost them both. Now, she had a fum¬bling knowledge that, had she ever understood Ashley, she would never have loved him; had she ever understood Rhett, she would never have lost him. She wondered for¬lornly if she had ever really understood anyone in the world.
There was a merciful dullness in her mind now, a dull¬ness that she knew from long experience would soon give way to sharp pain, even as severed tissues, shocked by the surgeon’s knife, have a brief instant of insensibility before their agony begins.
“I won’t think of it now,” she thought grimly, summon¬ing up her old charm. “I’ll go crazy if I think about losing him now. I’ll think of it tomorrow.”
“But,” cried her heart, casting aside the charm and be¬ginning to ache, “I can’t let him go! There must be some way!”
I won’t think of it now,” she said again, aloud, trying to push her misery to the back of her mind, trying to find some bulwark against the rising tide of pain. “I’ll―why, I’ll go home to Tara tomorrow,” and her spirits lifted faintly.
She had gone back to Tara once in fear and defeat and she had emerged from its sheltering walls strong and armed for victory. What she had done once, somehow―please God, she could do again! How, she did not know. She did not want to think of that now. All she wanted was a breathing space in which to hurt, a quiet place to lick her wounds, a haven in which to plan her campaign. She thought of Tara and it was as if a gentle cool hand were stealing over her heart. She could see the white house gleaming welcome to her through the reddening autumn leaves, feel the quiet hush of the country twilight coming down over her like a benediction, feel the dews falling on the acres of green bushes starred with fleecy white, see the raw color of the red earth and the dismal dark beauty of the pines on the rolling hills.
She felt vaguely comforted, strengthened by the picture, and some of her hurt and frantic regret was pushed from the top of her mind. She stood for a moment remember¬ing small things, the avenue of dark cedars leading to Tara, the banks of cape jessamine bushes, vivid green against the white walls, the fluttering white curtains. And Mammy would be there. Suddenly she wanted Mammy desperately, as she had wanted her when she was a little girl, wanted the broad bosom on which to lay her head, the gnarled black hand on her hair. Mammy, the last link with the old days.
With the spirit of her people who would not know de¬feat, even when it stared them in the face, she raised her chin. She could get Rhett back. She knew she could. There had never been a man she couldn’t get, once she set her mind upon him.
“I’ll think of it all tomorrow, at Tara. I can stand it then. Tomorrow, I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all, tomorrow is another day.
花店老板要招一个卖花店员,有三个小姑娘都来报名。
第一个小姑娘是专门学校学习花艺出身,第二个小姑娘之前在其他花店有过工作经验,第三个小姑娘什么专业知识和经验都没有。
花店老板就打算把三个小姑娘暂时先留下来试用一个星期。
第一个小姑娘因为是有花艺知识,在卖花的时候都会问客人要送花给谁,告诉客人每种花的花语是什么。
第二个小姑娘因为有工作经验,对利润业绩非常在乎。在搬运花枝的时候,经常有碎花掉下来,第二个小姑娘会把碎花重新用牙签插到花盆中,节约成本。
第三个小姑娘什么都不懂,但是她看到那些掉下来的碎花也会很珍惜。所以她每天清早会拾起那些碎花瓣,分发给上学去的孩子们,每天傍晚也会把花瓣送给路过花店的老人们。
最后,第三个小姑娘被留下来了。因为她有着一颗纯洁善良的心,她懂得送人玫瑰,手留余香。

这种善良,纯洁似乎在现在的社会中并不被高调推崇
也有很多人都是为了利益追求,无所不至
似乎我们在做很多事情时,忘记了最原本的东西。
我也是这样经历过的,曾经死命抓住自己的利益不放,一切只为自己考虑,到头来失去了所有。
孔子教给我们三个字,不贰过。
同样的错误不能犯两次,这不是一个善良的人能做的事情。
很庆幸在我人生最迷惑的时候,我抓住了心灵的救命稻草,我相信我没有抓错。
我们活着,总要去完成一些使命的,内化自己的理想,由内化而外化
并且,在做任何事情的时候,保持着一颗善良,纯洁的心
因为发自那样的美丽心灵的微笑,是很美丽的。

曾经有人告诉我,面向能看出人的心灵。
我还不怎么相信,现在是些许有些相信了。
颜为心声

这一切的想法只是一个起步
不是想到了就可以了
要慢慢去行动
比起困而学之,乐而学之显得境界会更加高
其实我想说的是,人生不管会如何的不得志,没有利益,都不要去比较,不要去慕,保持自己一颗永远善良纯洁的心,一定会make a difference的。
做这些也不是手段,不是为了得到更好的生活而故意变得比较善良一点,一切发自内心,世界就会很美。

心之性之,心里想到的是什么,看到的世界就是什么。
如果你心里想到的只是暗,极度,利益,权衡,那么你的世界也永远只是这些。
如果心里想到的是美好,纯洁,善良,礼数,那么世界也会变得异常美好。
不要感叹你的世界为什么那么残忍,为什么那么丑陋,
那是因为你的心不够纯净。

给自己一点休息,看看自己的内心,感悟生活。
同时,也谢谢我的留学生活,以及那些出现在我留学生活中的人们。
谢谢。
我很喜欢于丹评说的论语心得,对孝敬之道更是印象深刻。
里面有一个大树和孩子的故事,在8分32秒开始,每每看了我都会哭,于丹自己也哭。
其实孝道里的根本道理,也可以用在我们为人处世的本源上。
很喜欢博客抬头上的那句话

不知命無以為君子也,不知禮無以立也,不知言無以知人也。

虽然我们还远远没有到知天命的人生阶段,可是吸收越多的精华,是不是也可以更加加速我们的人生改革,更加有效地发挥生命价值呢。
困惑的时候,竟然开始看《论语》,晚上我要听着论语心得竟然才能入睡。
刚刚我的论文有很大一部分都要写到孔子思想,多读一些前人智慧真的可以帮人启发不少。
有时候,我们需要一个好的心灵指导,即使是在最无助的时候,它至少可以帮你不走入歧途。

原来啊,总想做一个不平凡的人,总觉得自己比别人特殊
现在想想,其实我比普通人再平凡不过了,何必要去强求,何必要去装B呢。
就想草头说的,我zhuangbility, 就会leipility。 (要装B,就雷劈)
原来啊,总觉得自己很厉害了,半瓶水天天摇摇晃晃,
现在阿觉得自己那样晃来晃去很瞎很傻。
原来总觉得,别人怎么就那么愿意甘愿于不平凡。
现在觉得原来妥协才能成就更大的幸福,不过这个妥协要in time。
原来啊,觉得同学在寝室里打打毛衣,做做十字绣很没出息
现在啊,觉得自己才是最没出息的。
原来啊,觉得高高在上的东西才能让自己傲视群雄。
现在啊,觉得其实down to earth的东西才是那么让人踏实和幸福。

原来啊,我的想法竟然错了那么多年。
一步一步来吧,就象大学时自己经常说的“急,不能急。”
急了做出来的尽是不负责任的事。
没有出意外的话,我想我大概是长智齿了。
到现在为止基本上快不能讲话了,大学时长智齿的恐怖经历又浮现出来了。
希望今晚不要发烧,我刚发烧过,让我歇几天,而且明天又是weekend,看医生会极其麻烦。
刚刚煮了粥,在智齿全部长出来的这段时间内我想我只能喝粥了。
我说,尽根牙啊你力量大一点,你早点冲破牙龈长出来我受的苦就会少点
你可千万不要搞得跟大学的赵峰一样,一长就长了一年半,发炎了一年半。
阿门,最近的我是怎么了嘛,我犯太岁了吗?
桑心啊~~~


================================
最近背运的一塌糊涂
玛丽隔壁
前两天先发高烧,今天起来牙龈又肿了,本来以为没事,但照了下镜子,竟然连脸也一起肿了,现在基本保持在无语状态,因为一讲话就痛。
然后妈妈告诉我爸爸最近也很不顺心,朋友借钱不还啊,装修啊,失眠的。
我很无力,真的不知道要怎样才能帮爸爸解忧。
前几天打电话给他,他还什么都没告诉我,就怕给我加负担。
哎。。。。
再苦再难,我一看XQ上的那个穷人帖子我就又振奋了。
一起来运动吧。
在有氧运动中,释放出全身心的压力
用力出拳,击破一个个无聊的烦人的难过的沮丧的琐事所想!
现在每晚必做Taebo Cardio,那种大汗淋漓,out of breath的感觉真的超爽!!hahaha!(第四声)
打算再练一个星期的Taebo,然后就进阶到boot camp去,听说那个无比的累
第一第二天的训练更是长达55分钟
不过我之前在健身房跳踏板好像也要差不多的时间
做完表忘记拉筋,否则会前功尽弃哦。
我最爱拉筋了,那种爽是爽到筋骨里的(因为本来就在做拉筋的动作啊==)
每每当我发觉身体已经到极限了,不能再anymore的时候,深吸一口气,竟然可以go further!
这就是呼吸的力量啊。
用力呼吸,用力迎接生活。

哎真想有人从二路汽车上跳下来save me from this crazy world
ps: anna和ai的crazy world也会让我有很爽的感觉!


有段时间我很爱听燕姿的 我怀念的
你老觉得我是听着这首歌,怀念着跟别人的回忆
其实完全不是啊,那首歌词是all about u的。
不好意思,分手了我还写这样的话是不是很瞎啊?
好吧,我需要时间我需要时间我需要时间。


小红生日快乐!!!!
今年就不给你写生日贺词了,你就refer to 去年我写的吧。
我在大学期间貌似也绰号不断的,水兵小猴猴(我自诩的),一般大家叫我猴子,核弹叫我阿っ猴(促音),老佳子习惯叫我猴儿,小猴儿。大一刚进来的时候因为我左手手机,右手小灵通,再加上我人本身比较聪明,大家就习惯叫我小灵通,之后被唐老燕恶化成“阿东”。大二很胖的时候,我剪了个刘海,当时招风竟然叫我郑海霞,不过幸好这个绰号被我扼杀在萌芽状态。高中的时候我叫阿三,有时大学同学也会这么叫上两句,不过不多,到是很多时候别人在叫别别人阿三的时候,我都会情不自禁的应当一声,相当具有喜感。我估计大家对我是有恨的,所以到后面很多人总是喜欢再猴子的基础上加个修饰性的adj.,那就是 死猴子。 “你个死猴子给我过(重音)来!”这样的叫唤在我耳边不绝于耳,我的大学大概就是在这叫唤中和我无数次的去骚扰别人中渡过的。
发烧了
更新:在米饭和百服咛夜片的合力下,下午总算稍微可以睡着了,但是不知道等下晚上能不能睡着。
早上我带病坚持做饭,食物真的是能够让人cheer up的魔法啊,至少对我来说是啦。
写完文章再去做一套Tae Bo Cardio,那种出汗的感觉真的很爽!
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这个牛肉啊,我加了好多好多材料,早上有chemical公司来检查,然后有一个人就一直说好香阿好香啊好香啊。 我有放木耳,西红柿,闭口蘑,红椒,葱姜蒜,红葱,辣椒等等等等。赞!
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早上Danuta看到我很肿的样子问我怎么了
我说我没睡好,两天了,昨晚仍然整整10个小时根本没睡着
量了一下额头,说我发烧的厉害
其实自己是感觉在发烧,但是貌似手也烫,所以自己摸自己的额头感觉不出来
等牛肉烧好,吃完饭,我再去开暖气平躺
我想总得吃饭吧,今天的牛肉我期待了好久,死也要做出来,再吃掉
也能长点力气吧。

追溯发烧的原因,我总结出两条很不符合科学的原因
1. 前两天脑子里还在想我这辈子也没生过什么大病,连盐水都没挂过,留学期间更是活蹦乱跳的。估计这样的想法忌讳到了什么什么什么的。
2. 前几天一直睡得很香,但是作息又很不正常,大概这样让我生一场病是为了告诉我要好好作息。。。

我好想能睡着。
前几天草头就说要给我礼物
今天让我打开她的空间去看,火星系列玩偶
果然适合我这样的火星人。
给我做的是囧囧猫,长得很阿三,很有我的风范。。。。
草头说:“这只猫表情有点囧的,因为她从小在老鼠堆里长大,她把自己当做是一只老鼠,于是长着长着就长得像老鼠了……囧囧猫就像阿三一样,虽然暂时有点迷茫,有点囧,但是阿三,你要相信Veronica说的“要一直向前向前向前,敢爱少恨”,在“单细胞做人原理”下,一定能少很多烦恼的!囧囧猫的手是可以活动的,因为我在她手臂上做了2个活动纽扣。 ”
囧囧猫


册那头还是很痛,睡不着睡不着睡不着
如果今晚继续再这样,我明天找GP去了
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